2013 and 2014 and the Suicide in Between (The Last Post)

Woah. What. Suicide.

I write about a lot of controversial issues. It’s sorta my thing , i’ve kinda led a controversial life.

So here goes another one.

I attempted suicide in 2013. In April to be more specific. 

Why? 

Simply things were happening in my life that i could not deal with, my body couldn’t hold the emotions that were going on inside. My mental capacity had been stretched far outside possible limitations and i took the only way i knew out.

It’s technically my second attempt at this sorta thing one when i was 15 and not a Christian, one when i was 20 and a Christian.

and now i’m somewhere in between.

2013 was really really hard.

Hardest year of my life.

This year I :

- Fell in Love, and then … slowly but very surely healed from heart break

- Lost a very important Friend, to life circumstances and selfishness.

- Left the only place i could ever call home: Brantford

- Dropped out of an Institution i was holding on to tell me what i believe and what my dreams are.

 

It’s just been very hard. And of course things are only hard because happiness was before it. So it’s not all bad, but there was just a lot of … losing this year.

2014 , now it could be a fresh start , a new beginning or it could just be the year where i take a break… essentially i am pressing Pause.. Where i just figure things out. I don’t believe i’ll be returning to school or church for the rest of the year, yes many of you are disappointed in me, i get that, and thats okay i’m not obligated to hold a reputation for you. 

Life is a long run and i can’t keep running on terrain that i hate.

2014 wil be good for me, as 2013 was.. lessons learned.

2014 will be good too.

On that note because I’m on “pause” i’m shutting down the blog other then life updates. 

Thank you for taking the time to read it amongst the mass amounts of better blogs that are out there.

You are Loved.

- Michelle

Maybe Selfies Are not the Worst thing.

I hear it all the time, selfies are pure demonstrations of an extremely narcissistic generation and while i agree that my generation is extremely narcissistic, i demonstrate it every day through a compulsive maintaining of my social media… maybe selfies are not the worst thing.

(This post was inspired by a picture which is at the bottom. some points i disagree with which i will address)

Selfies are a Moment in Time where we actually feel good about ourselves.

Our generation is narcissistic but we are also insanely affected by low self esteem. So for a couple moments of my day i feel confident to show the world what i look like, to tell the world, hey i feel pretty …. oh so pretty .

If you feel pretty.. beautiful.. handsome …silly..capture the moment and don’t feel bad about it.

Reminders that we are actually Real.

I think this concept is ofter overlooked. Do you know how many adolescents cut just because they want to feel “real”? Tangible to the world? A lot. I know its a generalization but just trust me. Looking at a selfie, or a picture of ourselves reminds ourselves that we are real, that we take up a beautiful place in this world.

Are not the worst thing…

Like the picture simply says … It’s just a picture of ourselves.

There is much more worse things that my generations is/ or could be taking part in that are much more dangerous , toxic, hurtful then selfies are.

Maybe we should just address other issues in our generation then the minor one of selfies. I get it we are narcissistic but maybe we should address the drug addictions and lostness of our generation then the couple moments a day where we are narcissistic and display it for the world to see.

Now i don’t necessarily agree that Selfies should help us control how we are seen because i think our generation needs to experience loss of control; i think we need to not be able to tweet an incredible funny moment or not share the picture of the sunset, just value the the moment.

That said. Selfies are not that bad. so lets start talking about the real issues like alcohol addiction, and how my generation is never outside.

So lets start talking about the Real issues… and not a silly thing my generation does to feel good about themselves.

Withdrawing From Master’s College and Seminary.

As Rich Janes or Merv Anthony like to say, “it’s time to discuss some family buisness”

If you’ve been keeping up with my life/ blog updates you will know i am now living in British Columbia, Nannying for a wonderful family in the middle of the mountains. You may know that the original  plan was for me to do online school and continue on course with the class of 2015 at Master’s College & Seminary. 

After some time away, discussion with loved and valued opinions i have come to the conclusion that the best thing for me right now in my life is to leave Master’s College and Seminary.

This is an incredibly hard decision and some of you reading this deserve more of an explanation, anyone inquiring more of my decision has the freedom to ask me and i’ll be 100% open.

I feel that as a institution that trains christian Leaders  for ministry the students should be firm in their faith, following conduct, and serious ( not apathetic in which i currently am) in the growth and pursuit of their faith.

I love Master’s, I love my Family and I especially love my class Athenenoi. I’m already missing them. But it is in my best interest to leave the school and take time to think about where my life is leading what i really want and where i want to end up. I just don’t believe its wise to continue in a degree that I might not need and continue spending money on something I’m not completely dedicated to.

Of course all this does not mean i won’t return to Master’s. I very well may. But i guess i just need time. There are more reasons that for the sake of privacy and the need to not display my pro and con list on the world wide web.

To Master’s and College readers: thank you, for walking with me in my growth as a person and my journey though my education

Blog Readers: Thank you for taking the time to keep updated with my life. Every view that i see tells me someone cares enough to click and find out whats up, and that means a whole lot :) 

Merry Christmas

; Michelle