You know when people gain a lot of weight after accomplishing a really crazy fad diet? That sort of happened to me but the diet was abstinence and the weight was male partners. I keep a running list of the guys I’ve been intimate with because I don’t want to forget there names, I am sure there is a deeply emotional reason for this but I’m a writer so I write down everything.
I’ve always been real with my readers, and honestly my list has gotten on the lengthier side. I’d like to state that the number of men I’ve had sex with doesn’t bother me personally in the slightest. I don’t think I believe in societies concepts of virginity, and women being deemed sluts and whore’s because they enjoy sex and have it part of there lives. However lately I’ve had really important people to me question my lifestyle and choices. They say this out of love , I completely believe that, but how do I continue to enjoy my life without feeling questioned by loved ones.
Yes I would love love love to be intimate with one guy , consistently and build a relationship with that person. If you know me at all you know that I’ve always craved intimacy and friendship within a monogamous relationship. However that is just not the case right now. Sometimes I go out to the bar and meet a beautiful man. Sometimes I’m just having hormones rage inside of me and call up a friend. This is the life of MANY 21 year olds. I am not special.
Society also likes to attach sexual abuse, low self esteem and a problematic childhood with the promiscuity of seemly only the female gender. I don’t think they are completely wrong but I also don’t think that I am a slut because someone decided to take advantage of innocence. I believe childhood shapes us and the way we think but I also believe I have the freedom to make choices despite what I grew up seeing on television and experiencing on the playground.
My self esteem has been on the rise for quite a while now and I do believe I deserve a person who is going to respect me, love me and do life with me for a relationship. However me having sex with whoever and whenever I want does not reflect that persons choice to have sex with me but my choice to have sex with them. They are not disrespecting me by having sex with me. We are simply just two people .. having sex.
The whole of society puts sex on this big billboard and makes it out to be this huge deeply important thing. I don’t really think that way anymore despite a terrible breakup and years of shame I associated with sex. In fact I think I thought about sex in such an unhealthy way because from birth as a female I was taught that men should work for me and if they don’t then that in fact affects how I should feel about my self.
The number of men I’ve had sex with says nothing about me, except maybe that I really enjoy having it.. which is not a bad thing. I get that these thoughts against society won’t really make much of a difference, except I will live my life in peace with the choices I am making and hopefully you will come to peace with the choices you make for your own life.
This is what I believe and this is how I live my life and I refuse to apologize for it.