The Abstinence Diet and My “Bad” Reputation

You know when people gain a lot of weight after accomplishing a really crazy fad diet? That sort of happened to me but the diet was abstinence and the weight was male partners. I keep a running list of the guys I’ve been intimate with because I don’t want to forget there names, I am sure there is a deeply emotional reason for this but I’m a writer so I write down everything.

I’ve always been real with my readers, and honestly my list has gotten on the lengthier side. I’d like to state that the number of men I’ve had sex with doesn’t bother me personally in the slightest. I don’t think I believe in societies concepts of virginity, and women being deemed sluts and whore’s because they enjoy sex and have it part of there lives. However lately I’ve had really important people to me question my lifestyle and choices. They say this out of love , I completely believe that, but how do I continue to enjoy my life without feeling questioned by loved ones.

Yes I would love love love to be intimate with one guy , consistently and build a relationship with that person. If you know me at all you know that I’ve always craved intimacy and friendship within a monogamous relationship. However that is just not the case right now. Sometimes I go out to the bar and meet a beautiful man. Sometimes I’m just having hormones rage inside of me and call up a friend. This is the life of MANY 21 year olds. I am not special.

Society also likes to attach sexual abuse, low self esteem and a problematic childhood with the promiscuity of seemly only the female gender. I don’t think they are completely wrong but I also don’t think that I am a slut because someone decided to take advantage of innocence. I believe childhood shapes us and the way we think but I also believe I have the freedom to make choices despite what I grew up seeing on television and experiencing on the playground.

My self esteem has been on the rise for quite a while now and I do believe I deserve a person who is going to respect me, love me and do life with me for a relationship. However me having sex with whoever and whenever I want does not reflect that persons choice to have sex with me but my choice to have sex with them. They are not disrespecting me by having sex with me. We are simply just two people .. having sex.

The whole of society puts sex on this big billboard and makes it out to be this huge deeply important thing. I don’t really think that way anymore despite a terrible breakup and years of shame I associated with sex. In fact I think I thought about sex in such an unhealthy way because from birth as a female I was taught that men should work for me and if they don’t then that in fact affects how I should feel about my self.

The number of men I’ve had sex with says nothing about me, except maybe that I really enjoy having it.. which is not a bad thing. I get that these thoughts against society won’t really make much of a difference, except I will live my life in peace with the choices I am making and hopefully you will come to peace with the choices you make for your own life.

This is what I believe and this is how I live my life and I refuse to apologize for it.

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When you have a nephew you’ve never met and a guy once poo’d in your bed.{Stories of my Life out West}

Seriously. It actually happened… poo in my bed but we will get to that.

I’m not living “abroad” but i am living away from my family, 3000 km away. My sister had another baby recently and i don’t know when I’ll get to meet him.I struggle every day with the fact that I’m not there seeing the both of them learn all the things little humans learn and accomplish for the first time. The opposing side of this struggle is that i have an overwhelmingly huge desire to be my own person, and to see the world on my own terms which happens to come with the cost of missing out.

Andrew Christopher Paul Lamoureux

Andrew Christopher Paul Lamoureux

I obviously believe it’s worth it. Just in the last winter i fell in love with snowboarding. It’s something ill do every winter for the rest of my life if i possibly can. I’ve also experienced a lot of new things, met a lot of people coming from all over the world. I mean I’ve never been surrounded by more British and Australian people in my life. In these moments of meeting people i have terribly funny things happen. Whistler will literally provide me with all the material i need to be the funny grandmother with ridiculous stories… Including the boy who poo’d in my bed.

Let’s call him Jake*. Me and Jake had spoken over Facebook as whistler people do quite often through the community group page and had run into each other quite a few nights partying. One night he came back to my house, we had a very funny conversation with my roommate and her boy and then we went to ….sleep. You know in the morning when you hazily wake up and just stare , well my stare landed on my thigh which had brown stuff on it. I confusingly wiped it off and got in the shower. I did not know it was poo at this point. When i had finished Jake had gotten dressed and was on his way out. I proceeded to see him out and start cleaning up the bed. This my friends… is where i found a brown little turd.

Seriously.

Seriously.

It’s okay to laugh. Because that’s what i did after i absolutely freaked and thought it was me. But after many analysis from placement on the bed to what my own poo looks like. It definitely could not have been mine… leaving Jake the culprit.

Most of the time i don’t know what to say after i’ve told this story. This is one of the kind, comedic movie sort of stuff.. Seriously the kind of thing I’m pretty sure people can only make up in their imaginations for a good laugh. But nope. This happened. to me . and i was left to deal with human feces not of my own or of a young child, but of a grown man.

Somewhere in my life choices i gave up cleaning up Baby Andrew’s poo for Grown man Jake’s poo. Putting it that way doesn’t make my choice seem all that great but it is a hilarious story to tell everyone….

if i was a stand up comedian this story would be a nugget of Gold, pun very much intended.

Stay tuned for more ridiculous, heart wrenching and snow conquering stories.

 

 

Why I Left Christianity

I don’t know when i stopped believing in it all, i just know that somewhere along the line it happened. That it was expected. That i was not the kind of person who could make it through all the pain and still believe in a loving god.

Every human experiences pain. Every single one, it’s quite a beautiful truth after all. Last october i was in a lot of pain, pain from friendship, pain from heartbreak, from family, and pain from my faith. It wasn’t like i wasn’t trying, i was. I was seeing Christian counsellors, i was seeing two different ones. I was crying out to .. god… and at this point i don’t know if i should put quotations around the word and/or name god. I was doing everything i could to try to stay a sane healthy believer and nothing was working. Until i moved across the country and severed myself from the Christian community and all their voices.

From East to West….From Christian- to confused believer – to apathetic – to questioning- to gladly apathetic.

A lot of factors went into the choice to leave the church. Bullying from believers, and overwhelming desires deemed sin but feel completely natural, to questions professors told me were dangerous to ask, to kids getting married at 20.

When i moved out west i saw a different lifestyle. I saw previously deemed “lost souls” enjoying their lives. I saw them happy. I saw them not weighed down by rules, standards and judgement disguised by “its a relationship not a religion”. I didn’t tell people where i came from and what my background was for a long time because i wanted the freedom to just be Michelle, not christian- Michelle. I tried the church thing out for a few weeks but it became incredibly clear to myself that i no longer belonged in that community. It wasn’t the community that changed, it was me.

When people first found out i used to be a christian the assumption that i came from a christian family was immediately made, then they were surprised that it wasn’t my story. The metaphor i use now is that ” I was a broken , broken 15 year old girl who saw a community that would accept her and jumped onto the highway of the christian faith without looking at where i was going , or even if i believed in it all ( and i sensed others knew that about me too). Bible college was a choice i made and convinced myself was right because i didn’t really know what else to do. I believe now that i allowed my feelings to fuel much of what i said about god , believed about god and felt about the whole system. It turns out, feelings are futile in regards to faith and religion… much too much depends on them.

Then one day, i left it. I live a lifestyle pretty spot on to the Whistler reputation, this includes sex,drugs and parties.It also includes deeper friendships free of judgement and shame. It includes new hobbies, new talents and new and beautiful sights i’d never imagine i’d ever see.. and i’ve never been happier.

I can’t say i don’t believe in god and i can’t say that i do. But i can say that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all actually at least not right now, not while I’m seeing the world, experiencing new things, traveling and being apart of life’s adventure without worrying how or why there is life at all and how we’re suppose to live it.

I lived along time fearful of being a disappointment. Disappointing my mom, disappointing my family, the church and those who truly did love me and support me during that time in my life. I guess i just realized the whole time i was disappointing myself by not being true to who i am.

My time as a christian helped me be a better person. A generous person, a kind person. and I’m thankful for most of the things that came out of those 4 years. At the moment i’m glad it has come to an end. That i can experience life fully , freely and without guilt. I am proud of who i am, i am proud that i could take a step out on my own path from a very hard system to leave and feel free to feel what i feel, do what i want to do and say what i want to say without being reprimanded by people of the Christian faith.

This is a huge subject. Not enough words to explain it all. But that was my best shot. and i’m doing well. Stay tuned for blogs on my last 8 months out west and how i’ve learned to be a 20 year old girl… without the constraints of religion.