The phrase remains in my life more of a question “It is better to loved and lost , then to have never loved at all”.
Is it better to have loved and lost?
Or better to have never loved?
I’ve lived fifteen years out of my twenty with brokenness. A broken innocence, broken relationships and a broken heart. I have loved deeply, and lost deeply. So on this date, December 13th 2013 i have decided it is in fact better to have never loved at all.
Losing hurts, we’re taught that at our first game of tic tac toe. A broken heart takes years to heal, and too often the scars and the brokenness remain like a filled crack in the pavement.
It is better to have never loved at all. It saves you from the messiness you become after. Even up to 8 months after the boy you first fell for has left, and no body has taken up quite the same amount of space that he did. Even after your grandma dies but you’re to young to fully comprehend death and how it means you’ll never hear another laugh, smile or curse word from the exact same persons mouth again.
It is better to have never loved at all then to have loved and lost. However it is not nearly as human, not nearly as joyous. I wouldn’t change the way my heart felt towards that boy even if i knew the absolute devastation i would feel afterwards. Because i loved him. and i got to experience the privilege of doing so. I wouldn’t change pouring my heart and soul into my best friends even though life has proven that they consistently leave.
I haven’t lost hope in love. I know its out there. I know that maybe it could be ready for me to grab onto it and feel safe again. I also know that it would take an incredibly patient, compassionate and hopeful person to stick through the mess i’ve made and continue to make of my own life.
This is an extremely honest piece of writing, one of my most vulnerable. I tell you now that i’m suffering… or suffocating i’m not sure there is quite a difference. I can’t tell you that i’m gonna get better.
What i can tell you, that it is in fact better for your emotional stability to have never loved. I also can tell you that you will never feel the full extent of joy without loving.
I’m not sure what this means for you, i’m not sure what it means for me. Except that i can keep going. That there is some kind of hope that if nothing else but the very depths of who i am can grab on too.
I hope you have this too, actually i hope you have more of it.